The smartest thing to ever come from GameFAQs

::its been a minute since ive posted something here::

As I'm scouring the internet for a half-decent Final Fantasy XIII Weapon Guide (or, as my search bar reads, "final fantasy xiii best weapons for each character"), I stumble upon this gem at GameFAQs, and anyone who's been on the internet for about a month can tell you, there are some fucking retards on the GameFAQs forum. To me, GameFAQs' forum has always been seen as a collective pool of the internet's biggest dumbasses, and when I find this, I have to make a notary.

Dubbed "[HUGE GUIDE] Weapon Upgrading and Weapon Analysis -- One-Stop Guide," thread creator Zelphin Morpheus has outdone him/herself with this comprehensive, detailed guide for the best weapons to use for each character. He dispells the worst weapons for every character - and gives good reason why - as well as emphasizes why his picks work for the characters. He even groups a weapon with the character's role (Commando, Ravager, etc.) to help familiarize each character with the appropriate weapon in their best role. For example, he throws this wildball at you, saying Sazh would be the best pick for a Synergist and either the Deneb Duellers or the Rigals would be his best weapons.

I've got a TextEdit entry opened with some quick notes on the characters. It's a definite recommendation for those still confused (as I am, a little ways into chapter 9) with the weapon upgrading process.

[REVIEW] Heavy Rain

Well, the time has come: I am here to review Heavy Rain. A short, few years ago, this game was shown off at E3 to eager gamers wanting to know what the PS3 was capable of. That was four years ago. Finally, we've gotten that initial tech demo in the form of Indigo Prophecy 2 Heavy Rain.

I initially wrote this for Metacritic, but there was an issue uploading the review to the site, so it's a simple copy/paste job. Please, for the love of fuck, there are spoilers. I cannot emphasize this enough:

ARRGH, THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I remember way back in 2006 when Heavy Rain was first shown off, with tears running down the girl's face as she pointed the gun at me; I was in shock by how picture perfect this tech demo looked. Four years later, I finally have my hands on a copy of this game, and I am very glad that Quantic Dream took their time with this game, considering the lack-luster visual performance they delivered with amazing Indigo Prophecy ('Fahrenheit' for you Brits). Not knowing this, you wouldn't believe that these two games came from the same development team, judging by the visual performance alone. Delving into the story, you can see that Heavy Rain is a spiritual successor to Indigo Prophecy.

The interaction with the environment and the vast amounts of directions the game can take you. Halfway through the game, I felt that if I opened the wrong cabinet door, or turned a door knob the wrong way, it would set forth a Butterfly Effect that has yet to be seen. However, I do not say that in spite of the team, oh lord no. I wish there was more of this kind of interaction with the characters and environment in other games.

I have never seen story telling in such a way until now that made me care for the characters. I wanted Madison to hook up with Ethan. I wanted Jayden to beat the crap out of Blake. I choked up at the beginning when Ethan's son died (how, I will never know, as Ethan was hit by the car). I actually felt for the characters and their possible outcomes. At the beginning before I even started the game, I was under the impression that the game would guide my actions to an ending that the developers wanted. Quite the contraire: my actions would influence even the most minute details of this amazing story.

Heavy Rain is a visually stunning, story driven, user oriented drama that is required playing for anyone that I know, that is reading this, or that owns a PS3. Hell, even if you don't own a PS3, break into your friend's house that has one and play it there (they'll understand, trust me). If my mother can become intrigued by this game, sit down, and ask questions about it - something that she has never done - then Quantic Dream, you win.

New Releases : March : An Evil God's Fantasy

It's March Madness. You know what that means, right? No, not basketball. It's November's slightly smaller, yet just as awesome cousin! He's in town, and he's bringing the goodies. Final Fantasy XIII, RE5: Gold Edition and God of War III are just a few of the awesomeness that March is bringing.

March 1

• Mega Man 10 (WiiWare)

March 2

• Battlefield: Bad Company 2 (360, PS3)

March 3

• Resident Evil 5 DLC: Desperate Escape (XBLM, PSN)

March 9

• Final Fantasy XIII (360, PS3)
• Resident Evil 5: Gold Edition (360, PS3)
• Yakuza 3 (PS3) 

March 11

• Mega Man 10 (PSN)

March 14

• Pokemon HeartGold/SoulSilver (DS)

March 16

• Command & Conquer 4: Tiberian Twilight (360, PS3)
• God of War III (PS3)
• Metro 2033 (360, PS3)
  

March 17

• Perfect Dark (XBLA)

March 23

• Red Steel 2 (Wii)

March 24

• Left 4 Dead 2 DLC: The Passing (XBLM)
• Xbox Live Game Room (360)

March 28

• WarioWare: DIY (DSiWare)

March 31

• Mega Man 10 (XBLA)

Tosh.0 does a live rendition of Super Mario Bros.

Tosh.0
Live Mario Brothers
www.comedycentral.com
Web Redemption 2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction Demi Moore Picture

As I'm watching Tosh.0, which has to be the best, original show Comedy Central has put on in a while, they pull out a well played Super Mario Bros. reference.

Sadly, the embed code is riddled with useless crap - seriously, there is a LOT of code in there - so I couldn't filter out the useless shit quickly enough; the 2 Girls 1 Cup Reaction link will have to stay.

I am officially psyched for Halo: Reach

I knew I was going to buy Halo: Reach when it comes out. I know I'll be all up in the beta like stink on shit. But I am now psyched for the game because of the first ViDoc that Bungie released.

...and the game comes out at the end of the year. Great. Thanks, Bungie!

Major Nelson's 10 Things to Know from X10

Major Nelson's blog is the only coorporate man-to-gamer community that I consistently read, or better yet, subscribe an RSS feed from.

One feed that came through that is chock full of info is his list of 10 things that came out of X10 that you should know. Believe me you, you should know all but...none:

March
Toy Soldiers - March 3 
Final Fantasy XIII Special Edition Xbox 360 Bundle - March 9, $400
Perfect Dark - TBA
Scrap Metal - TBA
XBL Game Room - TBA

April
Splinter Cell: Conviction - April 13 

May
Halo: Reach Multiplayer Beta - May 3
Alan Wake - May 18
Lost Planet 2 - May 18 

August
Dead Rising: CASE ZERO - Prior to DR2's launch
Dead Rising 2 - August 31

Holiday
Fable III

Nothing fairly groundbreaking, except we get definitive release dates - or something tangible - for Perfect Dark HD, Halo: Reach's beta, Alan Wake, Lost Planet 2 and Dead Rising, as well as the announcement of the interquel (told you I'd be using it sooner than later) that is Dead Rising: Case Zero, which ties together the first and second, hopefully explaining why Frank West's ugly mug isn't the facade we play by.

Alan Wake Limited Collector's Edition unveiled by Walmart, Best Buy

In the ongoing effort to completely destroy your wallets and shelf space, Alan Wake is getting the special edition treatment, in the image of a "Limited Collector's Edition," complete with the tag line "A Psychological Action Thriller." Honestly, I hate when a game that shows this much promise and awesome needs to have lines like this to entice otherwise uninterested buyers to even glance upon the game on a shelf when it's poised next to other, fantastically awesome games, and in Alan Wake's case, it's going to be right next to Assassin's Creed II.

On the Walmart listing for the game, you've got this sporty box shot for the game, as well as a list of your clichéd (L)CE contents (taken straight from the listing):

Hardbound in quality linen, the Limited Collector’s edition is designed to resemble a hardcover book. The Limited Collector's Edition will include:

• Game Disc in box with unique art
• Exclusive In-Game Audio Commentary and Hints by Remedy
• “The Alan Wake Files” – a 144pg book that includes a short story written by Alan Wake and compiles the FBI dossiers investigating the events in Bright Falls, WA
• Exclusive Audio Disc with Soundtrack and Score
• Game Add-on token redeemable on Xbox LIVE for the first Alan Wake add-on content pack
• Exclusive Xbox disc with special content: Alan Wake Xbox Live Theme and Alan Wake Avatar for Xbox LIVE

"Designed to resemble a hardcover book," huh? Sounds interesting.

Unique artwork for the box? Go on.

144-page short story as penned by a fictitious character with fake files from a real beauro? Color me intrigued.

Code redeeming the first DLC pack? Get the fuck over yourselves. You can't simply put that in the game? Why are you doing this? If you're releasing a DLC pack the day of release, then it should have been just included on the disc. That is, unless, you meet one of the two following criteria:

1. You've run out of space on the disc
2. Microsoft told you to

Ghost Recon: Future Soldier announced for later this year

It's official: Ghost Recon 4 is Future Soldier. Everyone's initial skepticism is something similar to Battlefield 2142.

There will be a private beta in the summer, with invitations tied to Splinter Cell: Conviction (maybe reason for delay?), and the same team behind GRAW will be the guys behind this. With that, expect more red and blue diamonds on your screen...again.

The one thing I'm taking away from this? No funny acronym homonym. "GRAW" was awesome. "GRFS" really doesn't go anywhere. "GRiFS"? "GRuFS?"

No.

[Via Joystiq]

Maybe that new Nintendo hardware actually isn't the DSi XL...

In an acceptance speech, Miyamoto casually mentioned he's working on a new piece of hardware, as well as a new MotionPlus-enabled game.

If you remember my initial skepticism when it was rumored Nintendo would be unveiling a new piece of hardware at GDC 2010 next month, I said it could be one of three things: a proper North American unveiling of the DSi XL, the Wii HD or a new GameBoy. Well, no specifics were given in Joystiq's article - not even a quote - however, this can lead speculation that the DSi XL is not the topic of GDC, however, if it's not not the DSi XL, the Wii HD is continuously downplayed, and the GameBoy was killed by the DS, then where is there to go from here?

Me? Well, I believe it's completely unrelated to the DS. Why make an announcement about a new handheld when the newest unveiled one isn't even out yet? The DS was supposedly the third tier of Nintendo products (sorry, but no, it's not; Nintendo successfully killed the GameBoy with their own system), so I'm going to say it's Wii related. Nintendo doesn't do hardware refreshes of it's main systems (that is, unless, you count the slimmed down NES and SNES they released, and that was about 500 years ago), so it would be contradictory. Then again, Nintendo was the company that pioneered pack-in games with Mario on the NES, and nobody has done that at launch except for Nintendo themselves with Wii Sports.

Final thought: Wii something. Break out the scorecards, people. GDC is going to be very interesting.

LEGO Star Wars III: The Clone Wars Announced

Please let this be a horribly timed April Fool's Day joke, because they really are milking the LEGO game franchise. Quick recap before my head asplodes:

1. LEGO Star Wars (2005)
2. LEGO Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (2006)
3. LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Saga (2007)
4. LEGO Batman (2008)
5. LEGO Indiana Jones (2008)
6. LEGO Indiana Jones 2: The Adventure Continues (2009)
7. LEGO Rock Band (2009)
8. LEGO Harry Potter: Years 1-4 (2010)

I originally typed that list up by memory (and sorted by franchise source), then went to Wikipedia for release years; my list was in chronological order before I knew it. Is that a bad thing?

...

Yes.

That makes 8, yes, eight LEGO games in...5 years. How in bloody fuck can you crank out that many games based off of...5 intellectual properties that fast?